Family caregiving and communication
Holding a Productive Family Care Planning Meeting
How to hold a family care planning meeting that works: set an agenda, keep the older person's wishes at the center, divide tasks by name, keep clear notes, and find local caregiver help.
Care at home takes more than love. It takes rides, meals, bills, and visits. It takes someone to call the doctor. It takes someone to check the house. When one person does it all, that person wears out fast.
A family care planning meeting helps share the work. The family sits down together. You talk about what the older person needs. You talk about what they want. Then you divide the tasks by name. Each task gets one owner. Each owner knows what to do next.
This guide is part of our Aging at Home hub. If the hard part is how to start the talk at all, see our guide to starting a conversation about accepting help. It can help you open the topic with care and respect.
Key takeaways
- Put the older person's wishes at the center of the meeting.
- Send a short agenda before the meeting, so no one walks in blind.
- Divide each task by name. "Someone should do it" does not work.
- Keep notes. Write down who agreed to do what, and by when.
- One meeting is not enough. Set a date to meet again and check the plan.
- Free local help exists. The Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 connects families to local caregiver support.
Why hold a meeting at all
Many families drift into care by chance. One child lives close by. That child starts to do more and more. Soon that child does it all. No one chose that plan. It just grew that way.
A meeting makes the plan a choice. The whole family hears the same facts at the same time. The whole family can ask the same questions. Then the work can be split in a fair way.
A meeting also gives the older person a voice. Too often, families talk about a parent. They do not talk with that parent. A good meeting fixes that. The older person speaks first. The family listens first.
Put the older person's wishes at the center
Start with the person, not the tasks. Ask what a good day looks like for them. Ask where they want to live. Ask what help feels fine, and what help feels hard to accept.
Ask about health care too. Ask who they trust to speak for them if they get sick. Ask what care they would want, and what care they would not want.
Write the answers down. These wishes guide the rest of the talk. When a hard choice comes up later, you can go back to these words. That helps the family stay calm. It also helps each person feel heard.
If your parent finds it hard to accept help, go slow. Our guide to starting a conversation about accepting help gives words you can use. You do not have to solve it all in one day.
Build a short agenda before you meet
An agenda is a short list of topics. Send it to all who will come. Send it a few days before the meeting. That gives each person time to think.
A good agenda has four or five topics. More than that is too much for one talk. Here is a sample list:
Add one or two facts to the agenda. For example, list the doctor visits in the past month. List the tasks that took the most time. Facts keep the talk grounded. They stop the talk from turning into old fights.
Pick a time that works for most of the family. Keep the meeting to about one hour. If you need more time, plan a second meeting. Short meetings work better than long ones. People stay focused. People are more likely to come back.
- What help is needed now, day to day?
- What health needs may grow in the next few months?
- Who can do which tasks, and how often?
- What will the care cost, and who will pay for each part?
- When will we meet again to check the plan?
Who should be there
Invite the older person first. Then invite close family who help now, or who can help soon. That may be sons, daughters, and their partners. It may be a close friend or a neighbor who helps each week.
Keep the group small enough to talk with ease. A group of three to six people often works well. More people can join by phone or video call.
Think about kin who live far away. They can still help. They can pay bills online. They can call to check in. They can visit to give the local caregiver a break. Our guide to supporting a parent from another city shows how distant family can play a real part.
You may also invite a neutral person. That could be a faith leader, a social worker, or a care manager. A neutral person can keep the talk on track. That helps if the family tends to argue.
Run the meeting with care
Start on time. Thank each person for coming. State the goal in plain words. For example: "We are here to make a plan that Mom wants, and that we can all keep."
Go through the agenda one topic at a time. Let each person speak. Do not let one voice fill the whole hour. If a topic gets heated, pause it. Write it down. Come back to it at the next meeting.
Focus on needs, not blame. Say "Dad needs a ride on Tuesdays." Do not say "You never help." The first words open a plan. The second words start a fight.
End the meeting with a clear list. Read the list out loud. Each task should have a name next to it. Check that each person agrees to their tasks. Then set the date for the next meeting before you leave.
Divide tasks by name
Vague plans fail. "We will all help more" sounds nice. It does not get the shopping done. Each task needs one named owner.
Common tasks to divide include:
Match tasks to skills and time. The child who is good with forms can handle bills. The child who lives close can do the rides. The child who lives far away can make calls and track records.
Our guide to dividing responsibilities among siblings and relatives goes deeper on fair shares. It also covers what to do when one person cannot do as much as the rest.
Be honest about limits. A person with a new baby or a hard job may do less right now. That is fine, if they say so out loud. A small task done well beats a big task left undone.
- Rides to the doctor and to the store.
- Meals, shopping, and house tasks.
- Bills, mail, and money records.
- Calls to doctors, pharmacies, and insurers.
- Visits and check-in calls each week.
- Breaks for the main caregiver.
Keep notes and share them
Notes turn a talk into a plan. Pick one person to take notes. The notes should list each choice the family made. They should list each task, its owner, and its due date.
Share the notes with all who came. Share them with kin who could not come too. Keep them in one place the family can find. A shared file or a notebook in the house both work.
Update the notes at each meeting. Cross off tasks that are done. Add new tasks as needs change. Needs do change. Health can shift in weeks. A plan that can bend will last longer than a plan that cannot.
Notes also help when you talk to doctors or agencies. You can show what help is in place. You can show where the gaps are. That makes those calls shorter and more useful.
When the family does not agree
Most families do not agree on all points. That is normal. Focus first on points you do agree on. Get those tasks started. Come back to the hard points later.
Listen for the worry behind the words. A sibling who resists a plan may fear the cost. A parent who resists help may fear loss of control. Name the worry in kind words. Then talk about that worry, not just the plan.
If talks stall, ask for outside help. A local Area Agency on Aging can share options for care and support. A counselor or support group for caregivers can help too. You do not have to solve this alone.
Help you can get from caregiver programs
The National Family Caregiver Support Program helps family caregivers. It was set up in 2000. It is part of the Older Americans Act, under Title III-E. The law is cited as Section 371 of the Act. The Administration for Community Living runs the program.
The program gives grants to states and territories. The grants are based on each state's share of the population age 70 and over. State and local agencies then fund support for caregivers. The goal is to help older adults stay in their homes for as long as possible.
The program funds five types of services:
Respite care means a short break for the caregiver. Someone else stays with the older person for a time. That break can help a caregiver rest and keep going.
In fiscal year 2014, more than 700,000 caregivers received services through the program. The Administration for Community Living notes that this was the most recent year for which service data was available on its program page. In survey data cited by the agency, 74 percent of caregivers said the services enabled them to provide care longer than would have been possible otherwise. And 88 percent said the services helped them to be a better caregiver.
Who can get these services? Adult family members or other informal caregivers who care for a person age 60 or older can qualify. Caregivers of a person of any age with Alzheimer's disease and related disorders can also qualify. Other groups of older relative caregivers are listed on the program page as well.
To find local help, use the Eldercare Locator. It is a public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living. USAging administers the service. You can call 1-800-677-1116. You can also visit eldercare.acl.gov. The call center runs Monday through Friday, from 8:00 AM to 9:00 PM Eastern Time.
The Locator was launched in 1991. USAging reports that it receives about 400,000 requests for assistance each year. Its staff refer most callers to more than 600 Area Agencies on Aging. They also refer callers to nearly 300 Title VI Native American Aging Programs.
The Administration for Community Living says the Locator connects older adults, families, and caregivers to trusted local resources. Those resources include meals, home care, and transportation. They also include caregiver training and education, and respite support. That makes it a good first call after your family meeting. You can bring its list of local services to your next meeting.
- Information to caregivers about available services.
- Assistance to caregivers in gaining access to the services.
- Individual counseling, support groups, and caregiver training.
- Respite care.
- Supplemental services, on a limited basis.
Who covers what
- Medicare: Medicare does not pay family members for meeting time. Medicare does not pay for routine family caregiving coordination, such as planning talks, task lists, or check-in calls. Those are family tasks, not health care services.
- Medicaid: Medicaid does not pay family members for meeting time or routine family caregiving coordination either. Medicaid helps with health care costs for people with low income. It is not a source of pay for family planning meetings.
- Private pay: most families hold care planning meetings on their own time, at no cost. If a family hires a care manager or counselor to lead a meeting, the family usually pays that fee out of pocket. Caregiver support programs can still help in other ways. As noted above, the National Family Caregiver Support Program funds information, assistance, counseling, respite, and supplemental services through state and local agencies. Those services support the caregiver. They do not turn family meeting time into a paid service.
Sample Situation
Lena is 82 and lives in her own home. Her daughter Priya lives ten minutes away. Priya does the shopping, the rides, and most of the cooking. She feels tired and a bit resentful. Her brother Tom lives in another state. He calls each Sunday, but he does not know how much work Priya does.
Priya asks for a family meeting. She sends a short agenda by email. It lists rides, meals, bills, and breaks for the main caregiver. Tom joins by video call. Lena speaks first. She says she wants to stay in her home. She says she wants Priya to have Sundays off.
The family divides tasks by name. Tom takes the bills and the insurance calls. He can do both from his own home. Priya keeps the rides and two dinners a week. A neighbor, Grace, agrees to visit on Sunday afternoons. Lena writes her wishes in the notes. Priya types the notes and shares them with Tom and Grace. They set a date next month to check the plan. The meeting lasts just under an hour. No one solved every problem. But each person left with a clear task, and Lena's wishes were at the center.
Your next step
A good meeting gives you a clear list of needs. The next step is to see what local care you can add to fill the gaps. You can browse local care options in our providers directory. Compare the types of care near your family member's home. Then bring that list to your next family meeting, and divide the follow-up calls by name.
Sources
Next step on Care and Living Guide
Find care providers near you — Browse care providers by state and city in the directory.